Trying to figure out where it all began, perhaps from childhood. It’s not been such a straightforward answer. A better question is where did it all end!
It ended one hot day on 7 November 2020. My heart was shattered, flowing with emotions I have not felt so intensely before. OK, the two years prior was an emotional bombshell. A long outstretched moment in my life I just tried to come up and gasp for air. Mid 2018 to end 2020 was a fucked-up time! I cant soften it up any less.
On that Sunday 7 November, again, emotions are so overbearing I felt like my spine was going to snap from wanting to curl up as small as possible into a ball. I did not know how to process it, what to do. Sing, cry? Honestly, there were no tears left to cry – ever felt so empty and wanting to cry but nothing comes out? The one place I felt save, was my photography studio. So, I went through, put on some music, and started setting up my camera. Next moment I just started taking self portraits trying to put visually what I was feeling at the time. I did not know how else to let it out. And I just let it all out.
Once I was done, I packed up and went home. For a couple weeks I did not look at the images, before I decided to edit them. And again, it took me a while to make them public, posting only a few on my private social media. I'm not sure what response I was expecting or if I was even expecting anything. Lets face it, the images, my self portraits are a little unusual. Especially when one is raised in a conservative community.
But the response I did get was very warming. For a moment I realized “hang on, perhaps I found a way to tell my story”. It gave me the confidence to publish and do something more.
Losing yourself in toxic relationships is subtle. I asked myself “how did I get here?”. Several years down in a toxic relationship you barely have anything of yourself left. And the thread that is left, you hang onto for dear live. Its like you exist, but you don’t exist. You have become one with the other. Breaking away is terribly difficult. Filled with doubt, fear, and anxiety. Self-reflection is a very vital step in staying free. Taking a deep look at who you are at that time and who you were before. And most importantly, who you want to be after all this hell went down.
“Spending long periods with a narcissist has quite a negative impact on an individual and breaking away from one is sole tearing. A lot of self-reflection and self-healing is needed to recover and remember who you are and not who they made you out to be. “